need something to call my own

walking back

2009-02-25T20:58:00.000-08:00

walking back is one of the scariest things possible

being content with nothing as i have been for so long is blinding me

walking to the light... to where things are seen...

it's like the echo of each step is a heavy reminder of all the reasons i don't deserve to go back

to have another chance

the echos ring in my ears and build until i am deaf with the noise of my mistakes.

but there is something greater-

the light that blinds me and lets me see everything with such unmeasured clarity

it's fascinating as it radiates

such pure light

and the echos of my failure, my blame falls behind me like shackles finally falling off

and i start running.

i can't help it, the light is intoxicating.

It pulls me.

It's warm

the light itself starts singing.

"This child of mine has returned"

In the back of my mind is the smallest remembrance of something that caused me not to run before.

where is that guilt?, Where is the echo of the pain of my failure?, where are the shackles?

He looks at me with tender eyes

He says slowly, "they have fallen and have no place in my presence"

I remember that perhaps it's not about my failures

Perhaps its not about me.

Perhaps its about Him, his light.

Perhaps it was never meant to be about me.

Perhaps its about Him

starting to write again...

2008-12-19T14:51:00.000-08:00

it's like dragging myself back into a habit that i know is good for me.

i think God created in my a need to write, and i've been greatly regretting not be diligent in it.
writing is my release, my way to make sense of my thoughts, and so the past few months have been building up in me- milllions of silly unaswered questions, millions of questions never asked. wanting and desiring to be real, but not knowing what "real" is exactly. falling down, and never processing how to get myself off the ground before continuing to travel, not even realizing that i'm dragging myself, instead of walking.

ignoring the questions that could shape me, the lessons i never gave myself time to answer. so many question that i don't even know how to ask. we live in a messed up world- are my eyes just now being opened to that? why now- why am i seeing this now- who is openning my eyes- god or the enemy? who's plan am i walking in right now, in this moment? am i justified in all that i do- or am i walking ever so slowly away from his path for me- so slow and subtly, that i would hardly notice except to see the trail of blood i'm leaving behind from the tiny cuts i've made along the way. why does it always come back to blood? so many questions. so many things i haven't asked, haven't said, putting on a smile and shaking it all off. i need to come back. so many prayers i'm scared to pray because it all seems so hopeless. i was once a child of faith and i saw miracles and answered prayer- why not now? why pray anyway- god is god- he already knows the future.

My world is filled with letters never sent,
words never spoken,
lips always sealed.
Who will i be when it's all over ?
perhaps i will be a mute…
in a different life.
Unhappy with silence,
But sealed within such silence.
Emotions are emotions- they don't recquire words to be so.
Who am I ?
I cry, i cry, i cry,
louder and louder, « who am I ? »
When will i know ?
Silent cries that recquire no breath.
Silence as usual.
Why ?
I don't even know.
Letters never sent,
words never spoken
Lips always sealed.

i hope that anyone reading this will not be offended by my seeming lack of questions- i hope that they will understand that these are questions that have been boiling inside me, waiting to come out. i have no question of the fact that God will answer these questions in his time- they are simply questions that i need to be honest in asking. i'm ready to come back father. but i need to hear your voice calling me back.

"Yet i hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from it's place." Rev. 2: 4-5
come back lampstand- i need your light in my life!

waking up

2008-06-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

Open your eyes

The world is waiting for you.

In heart so vulnerable
lies the longing for love.

Wake up and see
that there are hearts that are breaking,
hearts that are aching.

remember first who you are, oh chosen one
and let your heart move for you

let the one who commands your heart move you

your feet will follow

The path is already set

if you will open your eyes,
It's easy to see.

Wake up your heart
Take up your cross
Wake up the world with your love
Take up the adventure of a lifetime!

He's waiting

Open your eyes

Open your heart

He's waiting.

why am i so selfish?

2008-06-17T21:10:00.000-07:00

this past month has been the stress month of my life.
i realized how stupidly selfish i am this morning in reviewing how this past month has gone.
espicially this morning, God really brought it to my attention looking over the past few entries in my prayer journal. it seems like almost everyone has been a rushed prayer right before heading off to finish a huge assignment or a rushed prayer right before heading off to school to write a final and the prayer is unfocused because i'm trying not to waste brain power or anything that doesn't involve trying to memorize how to do a certain math problem or the legal system of canada or what i'm going to say for a certain presentation.
All these prayers are filled with words like, "God, please let me do a good job." "Let my work honor you. " and looking back, can i honestly say that this prayer is honest? am i truly trying to honor him with honoring myself? i understand that in everything we do we are to do it well, but i seem to be forgetting the second part of that verse, or at least, not applying it on a deep level. do it well, as though working for God and not for man. how can i think of the way i've been putting so much time and effort into studying and schoolwork as worship of God when that's all my prayers consit of? where is the prayer that for once i'm not thinking about myself and what God can do for me? where is the worship of simply deciding to spend time in the word simply because i love him and i just want to listen to him. it's like, because my life is full of stress, the world suddenly revolves around my problems and i abuse the fact that God has unconditional love and grace for me. Where's the humble attitude that he is God and he's willing to speak to me if i choose to put him above everything.
Father, i wish this life was easier. i wish it was easier to choose you once and be devoted to you for life. It's so hard to realize that every moment is a choice of worship. Every second i'm given is a new chance for me to choose to pick you above everything. i want to be obsessed in everything you are. i wish i could block out the world. i wish i could be like one of the elders that Isaiah talks about, so seduced by your glory that i could do nothing but fall at your feet, knowing nothing but your spirt and your loveliness. Take me to the other side of heaven. Teach me what it means to be obsessed. I want to give up this obsession of self. i want to give up this idea that i need to receive from you to know that i am loved. i'm so selfish. teach me what it means to be a servant father. I love you.
I ask for your blessing, but only if you have searched my heart and you see it to be a humble request. i know i can never deserve what you give. i love you.

i stole this from robyn's blog, but it just fit what i think soo much that i feel like i could have written it.

2008-06-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

I wonder.............Somedays I just want someone to be strong for me, to carry the burden that I think I carry. Sometimes I just want to be the weak one. I go through my life, trying to fool everyone into thinking that I am the "strong" one, when somedays, I just want someone to take that for me.Tonight a dear friend told me that if I had a partner to carry my burden, to be dependent on, to always be weak with, maybe I wouldn't rely so much on God.She, is a smart one....

prayer

2008-05-07T18:51:00.000-07:00

hi father. have i told you i love you lately? because i really do. you're too awesome and good for words. i love you. and i love that the love you have for me even outdoes this feeling of love i have for you.
i get the feeling your trying to prepare me for something. i get the feeling i'm supposed to pray about it. i know that this past semester i've been struggling trying to block out influences that keep attacking my faith in truth adn even my faith in good. God, thank you for being there with me. i know i could never in a million years stayed standing without the reminder that your holding my hand. keep building me up God and teach me to fight for you. God, your timing is perfect with the talking about spiritual warfare. thank you for helping me stay grounded in my own faith, but now stretch me, give me courage to fight for you God. there's a world out there that really needs you and i feel like every day i'm failing when I choose not to open my mouth and let your words come out. Spirit, i pray that you would even compel me to speak. do not let my mouth be silenced by a world that can't wrap its mind around a God that is so powerful and good. God, give me wisdom to know how to reach people. give me the reminder that this world needs you. this world needs a saviour. God be the source and motivation of my life. stretch me to talk not only to those who might have a chance of understanding, but give me faith to believe that you have the power to change hearts. help me not have a selfish heart and keep something so beautiful from the rest of the world.
let these be more than words, let them be my challenge to change, let my heart be reminded of this prayer and act out in faith that you will give me courage.
i love you daddy.

2008-04-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

i'm officially 17.
woo hoo.
and i have my license.
WOO HOO!

Listen, be still, think. but most of all: listen

2008-03-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

i think i'm becoming more and more like my parents. ever since jeff moved out, i've been getting slowly, but surely, closer to my mom. not in a big way or anything, but just in the she-my-companion-since-the-house-has-gotten-emptier type of thing. she actually really opened up about a big part of her life- her family- a couple weeks ago. we just sat and talked for like 45mins. I'm starting to understand more about how and why my parents decided to raise me the way they did. how they grew up and how it affect how they're going to let me grow up. i've been realizing that i still have a lot of maturing to do. it's alot cooler when mom and i can feel like friends.
that being said, it feels like dad is hardly even a part of this family anymore. he's hardly ever at home and when he is, half the time he's talking about the things that annoyed him about work and what he still has to do at work. I think he's either gotten over the most stressful part of the year or else he's just getting used to it because he has been a little less crabby all the time lately. But that couple of months when he was just non-stop grumpy were ugly. i went back and forth from bitter to not even caring that he was even a part of our family. But the entire time mom and i had an unspoken agreement that neither of us would try to confront him because we both know it would just add to his stress. as i said, he's been getting a bit better the past couple months, so i am thankful. for those out there praying, please keep him in your prayers. I know God hears our voices.
sometimes taking a step back and just thinking, instead of reacting all the time, is good for perspective. i wish i was more patient and thoughtful in a lot of situations. i think God keeps on challenging me with the story of Mary and Martha. I love doing. But i know i also love the times of just listening and thinking. I know God's voice is out there, even if i somehow think i don't have the time to sit and listen. its like that song Robyn sung in Mexico. I need to be still and quiet.

AHHH!!

2008-03-26T09:19:00.001-07:00

okay, i kind of feel like i'm going to puke.
i'm going for my license. (yes- finally- i know.)
but stomach doesn't really like me right now. i really shouldn't be worried. i mean, this is stupid. it doesnt' really matter if i fail the first time, right? so just breathe enji. breathe. *deep breaths*. ookay, calm down, you're gonna be fine. the worst thing that could possibly happen... is that i KILL someone! okay, breathe....
don't worry about me, i'll be fine. send up a prayer for me if you read this.

they come

2008-03-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

I wish i could express
I wish even that i could know,
that i could have some understanding
I'm tired of the questions
questions drag on me
they rake their fingers in my back
they heave whatever weight they have to my back
They cling to whatever part of my mind they can grasp
they snarl like little demons if anyone tries to remove them
i know, i've tried to shake them myself
they cling to my heart, blocking any other thing from entering
I can't ignore
I wish i could
but questions come rushing in
whether feeling or thought
the questions come like rivers, drowning out other voices
i can't wait forever.
i've been patient
but i can't wait forever
acknowledge my questions, my doubt, my struggle
come rescue me
i dont want to leave you.
this faith thing is harder than i thought
i still love you.
don't let me slip away
don't let me slip through your fingers.
draw me back into your arms.
erase the questions, doubts, fear, restlessness.
please father.
pull me back in your arms

War raging inside of me

2008-01-11T11:37:00.000-08:00

I'm lonely and the world is doing everything to pull me in. I can feel the constant battle of the world against my integrity. The little voice in the back of my mind telling me there's more. That i can go deeper. That I can do more to honor him. That my actions can portray this voice of truth if i lose my pride and simply learn to live in faith.
This voice of truth always seems to be waging a war against a small, constnt voice of jealousy. Jealousy of those who get cell phones, get to go to Egypt, get to stay out until 4 in the morning, get to buy clothes life its nothing. Because I'm human, I can't help it. I am jealous. And i try to convince myself that there is no need for this jealousy I try to convince myself in the truth that Jesus Christ is all I need. I do believe in this truth. But the war going on inside of me pulls at this weakeness and struggles to convince me that i have a right to be jealous.
There is only one solution, one repriece from the jealousy. I take a look at the cross and sit in wonder at a selflessness i could never know. I remember all that was given up to come to earth the way he did, live the life he did, and die the way he did. I remember his promise that he did it for me and although the battle being waged in my mind will not simply end, I am convinced once again that Jesus Christ is all i truly need.

falling in love, once again.

2007-12-17T15:00:00.001-08:00

These past couple weeks have been rough. and i know that just about everyone around me is feeling the same way. but i kept on praying through it and God is faithful and gracious.

Yesterday, was amazing. it was one of those joy days again. the entire day, from start to finish was filled with His glory. and He just filled up my day with blessing after blessing.

Nothing huge happened, but as soon as i woke up, i had this feeling inside of me that it was going to be a really good day. I cranked up Starfield while i was getting changed. I LOVE STARFIELD!! I love the heart they have for worship and the brokeness, honesty, and beauty in their lyrics. And then i woke jeff up, yelling something like, "Jeffy, wake up, the sun is shining and its a beautiful day!!"

And then i got ready for sunday school and made sure that the goody mugs that my mommy helped me make were all ready to go. I got there like 20 mins early to hopefully get a little more set up and some of my girls started coming in like 10 minutes early. Almost all of my girls- bless their little hearts- brought me presents and cards. they were awesome!! i got a 5$ tim hortons gift certificate and a piece of brownie from Rianne, a tin of gourmet toffee from Ashley, and a set of hot chocolate flavoured Shower gel, bath salt and bath confetti in a really nice mug from Sophie. I LOVE MY GIRLS- THEY ARE SOOOO SWEET!!!! We went and had cake with the 5/6 boys which was really cute because my girls all thought the boys were really gross. i love them, in their innocence. I gotta pray that they keep that for a while longer- not wanting boys- makes me happy! and then we went back to our room and played Christmas version of Jeopardy- (it was hard coming up with all the questions though). and the winning team got this huge tube of smarties- seriously, it was massive. and then i passed out their goody mugs and we had a hug fest- which i always love!!

And then there was church and it was a pretty good service, but the best part was the "altar call/response" at the end of the service. Wes went up and God was like- you should go up and pray with Him and as soon as i was kneeling there, i felt like four hands on my back- my mexico sisters- BLESS THEIR HEARTS. and we prayed. and when Pastor Leyton first asked us to come up during the song I was praying that one girl from the audience would go up and after i was done praying with Wes, i looked up and she was at the front surrounded with a whole bunch of my Sn. high family. and then after we were kind of done more officially done, Robyn was like, i need to talk to you, and man- she encouraged me so hardcore. it was awesome! i love her.

And then i went christmas shopping with my brother and my sister. i was the only one who bought anything, and i knew exactly what i wanted to buy so it didn't take very long. we went to my brother's house, had some mac and cheese and watched some 2 fast 2 furious tokyo drift and then immediately went out driving which was not the smartest thing...

and then i got home, watched a christmas movie with my mommy, had a big Ham supper adn fruitcake- yay!,watched another christmas movie with some hot chocolate and then i decide to have a bath with the new hot chocolate flavoured bath stuff- it smelt soooo good!! Trent lent me Leeland and i brought my diskman and my bible and just read, and listened to the music and let the hot chocolate smelling water soothe me.

and that time, listening to leeland and reading my bible, i was beyond happy. i couldn't stop smiling and thanking God for such an awsome day. and he kept on saying, i love you. he kept on reminding me that he's enough. He kept on saying, i chose you- i chose to pull you out from the ashes of this world to make you my bride. and i love you so much more than any earthly husband could. You are beautiful, because i made you and i'm proud of you. I love you Erin. more than you'll ever know.

I can't believe I'm lucky enough to know him, never mind be deeply loved by him. I can't believe a King chose me to be his princess, his bride, i can't believe that he loves me. I am human- not even worthy of his love. But in his BEAUTIFUL grace and his amazing love- he lifted me to my feet and put his arms around me.

Can't Stop by Leeland
I can’t believe You’re here close to me
It’s getting hard to stand
But I don’t want to leave
Your beauty stands out
Like a bright light shining through the clouds
It’s overwhelming just to be with You now
I can’t stop, I can’t stop falling in love with You
I can’t stop, I can’t stop falling in love with You
Your love is in my heart tonight (yes, I know)
I can’t stop, I can’t stop falling in love with You
I’m in love with You
In this space and time
You touch my soul
I can’t escape Your love for me
So You take control
Your spirit surrounds me
Close enough to catch me when I fall
I can’t escape Your love for me
I surrender all
You’ve risen like the sun
Darkness fades with the dawn
You are the radiant one
And You give me light
Your love is in my heart tonight
Your love is in my heart tonight
I can’t stop, I can’t stop falling in love with You
I can’t stop, I can’t stop falling in love with You

Sunrises

2007-11-17T20:05:00.000-08:00

Every so often, when i see a sunrise- the way the sunlight splits the clouds and rains down its glory on the world, i stop and smile. i see Jesus in that sunrise- the way his glory is so visable in the rays of golden beauty but hes still so far above us hidden by the clouds- mysterious in his ways. I see you coming to earth and showing off a part of how glorious heaven is gonna be and i can't wait to dance with you daddy. I can't wait for your arms to be around me. Your beauty brings a smile to my face and my heart is full with joy. And then i realize that this small glimpse of our glory is nothing compared to the beauty of the real deal. Its so fun to sit with you. Its so good to know that you love me more than i could ever imagine. Its so good to know that you will never let me down. that you will never break my heart. That you will be forever enough for me. Even if every so often i want something more-to stray from the path you've set for me; it's good to know that you will fullfill me. that you will fill me. that you will be enough for me. that you are all i need.
All i need is you. You are too beautfil for my comprehension and my soul delights in the promise that you will be with me always. you will always stand beside me and hold my hand.
That's why i love sunrises, they remind me that every day is new, every day is full of your glory, and everyday is another day that i get to hold onto your hand and skip along the path while you watch me with adoring eyes. I know you smile when i reach for you hand. I trust you God.
Lead me down the path you have and hold my hand daddy. I can't wait to see you face to face. i can't wait to go home. Thank you for holding my hand
and thank you for the sunrises

on the same subject as two posts ago.

2007-11-06T19:51:00.000-08:00

k, i read this a while ago and i'm wondering if it has to do with cutting or something totally
different.
"do not cut your bodies for the dead... I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:28
i mean if it does have to do with cutting, wouldn't that be insane? espicially since it hasn't been huge until this generation. if something has been in the bible for so long that hasn't really affected any other generation before us in a huge way and then suddenly, we found it wouldn't that be amazing that God has something specific to say to our generation. or maybe i'm totally insanely off and its talking about somethign totally different. i need your opinions and wisdom on this one, please shed some light.

The Equation

2007-10-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

To quote:

- 1 John 4:16, God = Love
- John 3:16, Jesus = God, thus Jesus = Love
- Beget- to become the father of, create- to make
- (Humans beget Humans, humans make statues)
- Genesis 1:1, God>man, thus man is subject to and below God
- Romans 6:23, man= sin= death, but
- Jesus +man= holy =life, thus man needs Jesus
- therefore, since Jesus = love,
- Man + Love = Holy = life, thus, man needs love!

cutting

2007-10-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

i know the title of this post might alarm some of you, so first of all, don't worry about me. i'm fine- i promise.

that being said, for some really strange reason its been on my mind alot. i don't know why. i don't know for sure, but for some reason it feels like God is trying to bring my attention to this for some particular reason, like he's preparing me for something.

We had to write a creative writiing assignment with a writing prompt and for some weird reason, i decided to write about it.

He wrote love on my arms
Today I looked in the mirror for the first time.
I traced every line on my face
And truly looked at the depth behind my eyes
I never wanted to look before
I never wanted to know how deep I could go.
I was never sad, that was never the purpose
The blood trickling down was not a sign of me wanting life to end
The scars that mapped my arms was never a sign of self-hatred
I just wanted to live
I wanted the freedom from melancholy it brought
I wanted the comfort of something in a nothing world.
It used to be pain.
I used to experience a pain that I never believed I could bear
I used to have to fight with myslef for my own life
I used to need to cut to numb the pain.
And then came the numbness
The pain was gone, but I wanted it back
I wanted the luxury the pain brought
It hurt more now that the hurt was gone
Because it took with it every other emotion
I dug deeper in my skin,
carving down to try to take the numbness from my very veins
I struggled by myself while others looked but never chose to see
They ignored the pain and they ignored the numbness
They ignored me
They joke as I walk through the halls
“emo” they whisper while knowing I can hear
They don’t understand what that word means.
They don’t understand the power behind the word emotionless.
I carved deeper
My arm was no longer a part of my body
It has no purpose other than for relieving the pain
I ran away one night.
I couldn’t be in my house
I couldn’t handle seeing his face with no trace of guilt
I don’t know why I ended up where I did staring up at the white building.
I don’t know why after all these years, this place has found me again.
Something calls me to walk through the door
I can’t stop my arm from pulling the door open
I can’t stop my steps as they walk down to the front of the room
I can’t stop my knees from giving out at I stare at it.
I can’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks as I stare at it.
I can’t stop my whole body from shaking as I stare at it.
I haven’t looked at it in years
Somehow undeniably, I understand
Feeling flushes into my veins, so much feeling that I can’t sort it out
Suddenly I feel something that I haven’t ever felt before:
Joy.
It spreads into a smile.
Each one of my stripes seems so pointless as I look up at it
As I trace my fingers over each one I realize that these were never meant to be my scars
I stare up at it
The cross stands, beautiful, powerful, comforting.
I cry through tears as I finally understand.
Something calls me to a bible.
Its already sitting open and something inside tells me I need to read it
More desperately than I’ve ever needed anything, I need to read it
More than I’ve ever needed the feeling of the blade, I need to read it.
The words trickle into my skin.
They flow in my veins
They kiss every one of my tears
They kiss every one of my scars
“He was despised and rejected-
A man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
He was despised, and we did not care.
Yet it was our weakness he carried;
It was our sorrows that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
A punishment for him own sins!
But he was piered for our rebellion,
Crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole
He was whipped so we could be healed.”
I look down and see my scars vanish.
My arms are made perfect again
Instead, where one of my deepest cuts once was
I see one word, Love
I am loved and suddenly I know what it feels like to be loved
So today, when I look at my face in the mirror
I see something new.
I see that I have worth.
I see that someone died for me and it fills me.
I take the blades from all of their hiding spots
I take them to the feet of God
I surrender
Today, as I look at my face, I see a different person
I see a different depth behind my eyes
Today as I look at myself I realize that
Today I began finding myself.

dang it. now i have to write

2007-10-16T16:48:00.000-07:00

Paul blogged so now apparently i have to write something. but i really have no idea what to write about.
I hit a point of insane stress last night. i worked from 4 til 10 and then i had to finish a lab for physics, do math homework, worry about a INSANELY massive project for english, study for a math test that lately i've been failing all the quizzes which is scary because i've definately never failed before and i REALLY don't want to fail! I stayed up until 1 doing all of this stupid homework stuff and then i had to get up at 6 to get ready for choir and get some more studying in. (Praise God i feel fine today except for a massive headache.)
The point of this is not to make you guyes feel sorry for me but actually to hopefully encourage you. i was only half way through the chapter for studying math and i was really freaking out because i was too tired to keep my eyes open but i felt like i was getting pulled to read my bible right before i went to bed. So i was like, God, show me where. he took me to Jeremiah 32: 36-44. I just read the little title thinger and already i was like, wow, thank you God. the title thinger is "A Promise for Restoration." It was like God was straight up telling me, "Erin, I know exactly what your going through and i want you to know i'll be with you and i'll be there to give you peace and restoration." it was a small voice, but any words from God are totally amazing. i LOVE it when he whispers into my ears in a way i can't deny. I love his voice. I love his understanding and i love his promise. he's such an awesome God. i love that he always walks beside me.
God thank you for letting me know you're with me and your going to walk beside me even when i feel stressed or even when i feel like i've been neglecting you a little bit. If i ever do walk off my own way God, please draw me back to the path you've chosen adn knock at my heart if it ever seems i'm not listening. thank you for you goodness. thank you for your faithfulness.
I love you God. you are soooo good to me.

... (too lazy to think up a title)

2007-09-19T18:02:00.001-07:00

does anyone even read this blog?

Gulp. (reality check and a half)

2007-09-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

enji might be biting off more than she can chew. I really want to be a lot more invovled with ministry and i want to be able to serve as much as possible. but with that comes a lot of commitment. i went to a leadership study and we talked about stuff that is really heavy- cutting, eating disorders, suicide, family problems. it was really tough to sit through and there was a minute or two that i felt like i was in over my head. but i guess it really opened my eyes to just how much people need people to care and be willing to show God's love. I want to help those that feel broken, unloveable, like trash, those that don't understand their true worth. its scary to think that i will be walking the halls with people and never know who is thinking about killing themselves and never knowing if there is someone absolutely desperately in need of a friend and someone to pray for them. But God knows. he knows those hearts. He desperately wants to heal those hearts and tell those hearts that they are beautiful. He desperately wants those hearts to seek him and love him and find fulfillment and purpose in him. and he desperately wants ME AND YOU to show that level of love, that commitment to pursue, that knowledge of the heart, that healing of our scars by his. So here i am, taking on leadership roles, that i'm not sure i'm ready for or qualified for. But that was another huge thing that the "preacher" kept on hammering at us- these kids don't need- they don't even want, trained professionals or people who are totally qualified. They want people who will listen. They want people who will love them nonjudgementally. they're looking for someone- anyone to care. the more leadership roles i take on the less time i have for my own time to be alone with God and digging into his word. But along with that, the more leadership roles i take on, the more committed i need to be in dedicating the word to my hearts and to making it cemented in my heart.
i think i'm going to need a lot of prayer. I care about these kids and i want to lead them in a way that will honor God. I need to learn to honor God in all things and make sure that he remains first in my life- even before these leadership roles. I need to make sure i don't get burned out.

God, this is hard, but i know you give me strength. I know that your joy is sufficient. God i need to you discipline my heart that i will put you first and foremost. there are SOO many things in my life that i could place before you, but i know you are the maker of everything, you give and take away, and if i seek you first in everything, you will give me anything and everything i need. God i love you and i love these kids. I want to be able to show your comfort in their pain. God i pray for those in pain. GOD WOULD THEY SEE YOU? God i know you pursue them, tug at their hearts and turn their faces towards you. God would you let those who feel ugly turn to you not in shame but in awe of your love for them and for their realization that You made them beautiful. God those who feel like no one would listen, tug at their hearts and let them know that you always listen, and God respond to their prayer to let them know that you are there. God for those who are in troublesome family relationships, God would they find comfort in a church family that cares SOO much about them and would never intentionally cause them pain and would they find that you as a father care about them and desperately WANT them. God for those who are numb or those who are in too much pain, would you keep them from cutting. GOd you alone bring life. you are the fount of LIVING water. These people that cut to live, God, would you show them that you give life and you give it so much more abundantly than they could imaging. would you fill them with a joy that would keep them going through the darkest valley's and the most painful experiences. and Father, for those who can't see the point of going on, for those people that feel like they are walking in a hole that is far too deep for them to come out, God they are desperate for your light. GOD, i'm broken for these people. I can't imagine that pain. i don't understand it, but father you do and you love them far too dearly to let them go. even if they don't feel your strong fingers wrapped aroung theirs, god, would you still hold tight to their hands. Would you let the bullet get stuck, would you let someone find them with the knnife, would you let there not be enough pills in the bottle to kill themselves. Would you give us more time as christians to seek them out and give them hope? God open our eyes as christians to a world that SO DESPERATELY NEEDS YOU. you are love and we NEED your love. God in all of the different painful circumstances above and even other painful things others are going through, before they cut too deep, before they get too skinny to live, before they work up the courage to kill themselves, let our eyes be openned to their pain and let them be filled with people who care about them and people who care about showing you to them. GOd i love you and i thank you SOO much for sparing me from this level of pain. God would you open my eyes and give me courage to fight for these people, even if they don't want to fight for themselves. Let me love them as unconditionally as you would love them and God let me show comfort that you give. God just as i'm asking you to open my eyes to their pain, would you open their eyes to the joy and fulfillment i've found in you.
God, would you send us the kids that other youth groups don't want? And prepares our hearts for these kids. let us find strength in you and in each other and let us be bold in finding a way into the hearts of the kids that other's don't want.
God i pray that i would remain discipline. I can't teach something unless i've been there, so God keep my heart striving to dedicate your words to my heart. Let me be a blessing to those around me and let me convicted when i'm not spending time with you. God encourage me with your poetry and your love story. I love you and i want to spend time with you. your my best friend and you deserve my time. I know you want my time. i love you.

the morning after

2007-08-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

I woke up and i feel like some weight has been lifted. Part of me still feels ugly and ashamed though. God thank you for letting me see how painful sin is to you. I don't want to hurt you again but i know my actions and thoughts will continue to disgrace me and hurt you. God you said you sent Jesus as a light into a dark world. My heart is full of darkness but i know if you enter no darkness can escape your reaches. I want to be able to shine for you. But always remind me of the physical pain of the cross and the emotional pain you suffered and even know suffer. God if a small glimpse of the heaviness of my own sin is so painful to me, I am in awe that you could take on the sin of the world. wasn't it too heavy to even lift? How did one man take it on? you didn't even have your father to lift some of the burden or to comfort you. your father turned away and you were alone to hold this burden . I am just one and i can't handle my own sin. you took on millions of people's sin. HOW?
Oh, that i could change my spots, God. Oh that i could do good and not evil. Oh that i could live as Jesus did- perfect and blameless and beautiful. Make me beautiful.
I wish i could have been there to carry the cross with you. To wipe the blood and spittle from your face. I wish i could have been there and taken a single whip for you. I wish i was there to comfort your mother.
But i know everything was as it was.
God open my eyes to my sin. If i still have clothes on , if i am hiding, show me what i'm hiding. tell me and let me take them off myself.
I'm broken before you. My back is weary and i'm faedown. I want to lift my head. God would you lift my head? tell me its okay and you understand and i'll believe you.

more from the wedding night

2007-08-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

Psalm 139- (MOV- my own version)
"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.
you know if i'm sitting or standing.
you know my thoughts from afar- in distance and in time
you know all my actions
and you know all my ways and how i act
before i've said anything, you know exactly what words are going to be on my tongue, O Lord
you go behind me and before me
you have laid your hands upon me
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me
i am to in awe of it to understand it completely
Where can i go that will be away from your spirit?
where can i run to away from your presence?
if i go to the heavens, you are there
if i go down to the depths, you are there
if i try to hide myself at dawn
if i try to move across the oceans
you will always be where i am and you will always guide me
your right hand will securely hold me up
If i say, surely God will not go into the darkness to try to find me
and no light will come to me and save me from darkness."
even the darkness of sin will be cast out and the light of holiness will remain to sting our eyes
for even darkness is light to you.
You created every part of my body and spirit
your hands put me together in my mothers womb from the day i was conceived
i thank you because your hands made me beautifully. (you made me beautiful, God)
everything you do, you make wonderfully, I know this full well
my frame was not hidden from you when i was made in the secret place
when i was woven together, your eyes saw my unformed body
you care enough about everyone one of my days to write them down in your book even before they came to be
How precious are your thoughts to me, O God! (i want to know them all)
How many thoughts you have, that if they were counted, they would outnumber the grains of sand
When i awake, i am with you and you are still with me."
Be with me when i wake up and tell me the clothes i need to take off.

it's the wedding night?

2007-08-12T19:42:00.001-07:00

I know it might be stupid and irriational. maybe i'm tired or something. maybe i just need some renewal. maybe this is the hard part i was warned about from josh. i'm surrounded but somehow i feel alone. i wish we as a people could have a power to read minds. like in the book the Chrysalids. Theres a big part of me that wishes we could be a society that sould understand each other so deeply and intimately like that.
i feel like as much as i really want to wallow right now, i have no right. i got a gift- a person that died so i could have that freedom. God hears me and theres nothing i can hide from him. theres nothing he doesn't know about me. even if i think that somehow it doesn't matter if i don't view sin the way he does. i guess its just really struck me is that no matter how i hide from people i can never hide from God. and that is the scariest thing in the world. its like how adam and eve hid from God because they wanted to cover themselves. I just want to put on a ton of clothes and blend in so God will stop looking at me. it just like on the wedding night with my future husband- he will be the first man to see me naked and i know i'll want to hide. i don't want him to look at me and judge me.
How can i pretend to be naked before God and still hide parts of myself that i don't want him to see when i know that no matter how i try to hide he still sees me. I want to come to him naked and cleansed and pure but there's no way. sin has wrapped its arms around my hearts and every so often it seeps into my heart and as much as i wish i could control it i can't. its a part of me as much as cocao is a part of a chocolate bar. i want to be cleansed but i'm scared to ask for forgiveness because that means i've acknowledged the fact that he sees me naked. I don't want to be naked before someone perfect. i have too many imperfections and it hurts to peel off my clothes and know that someone is looking at all of me- my lies, my pain, my jealousy, my denial, even my lust. these are all just words- but there is so much pain behind each and every one of these actions.
i just want to hide.
STOP LOOKING AT ME GOD. just let me put my clothes back on and leave with some pride. But you still look at me with love in spite of my painful, sickening, disgusting, horrible naked self. i'm so ugly. i wrote about how beautiful you are just a little while ago. how can someone so beautiful even look at me. i'm so ugly. theres no beauty to be found in my heart.
GOD WOULD YOU CLEANSE ME AND LIFT THIS PAIN FROM ME? God i want to be pure. but sin has a tight hand on me. God i hurt. i'm in pain. lift this burden from me. you took on my sin on the cross. now take it and make me pure once again.

"It's a new day. oh-its a new time and theres a new way i'm gonna live my life. all the old has passed away and the new has come. thank God it's a brand new day.

You need to tell me what's clothing me that i need to strip off before you. i'm scared to be naked for you, but i don't know what's clothing me. open my eyes to this God. what clothes am i holding on to. what pride am i not letting go of?

good morning.

2007-07-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

it was a beautiful sunrise today. i went for a "run" with my daddy at four am. its such a beautiful time of day. its quiet and you feel like nothing and no one in the entire world can stop you because everyone is still peacefully in their beds. its still cool but not cold. perfect for running. the river was the same color as the sky. a beautiful sky blue. and then the sun... it took almost a full hour from the time the sky was light until the time it actually peeked out. but the moment the horizon turned pink and the big orange ball of brightness came out i was like, wow, daddy, you're an artist! no one in the entire world could make something so beautiful. i'm glad the colors are in your hands. it was beautifull daddy. thank you for making the sunrise just for me this morning.
this is my song to you today:

It's been so long since I have met You here

Since I have said these words or cried these tears

And like a child would come I run into our secret place

And as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face

I am alive in this moment

In this moment I am found

I am alive in this moment

In this moment I belong

It's been so long since I have met You here

Since I have heard You speak or let You near

And like a wayward son I've come with nothing left to hide

Here in this moment I have come to offer up my life

I am alive in this moment

In this moment I am found

I am alive in this moment

In this moment I belong

Here only one fire burns, it burns

Here only one melody is heard

Once again for the very first time

My eyes are opening

I am alive in this moment

In this moment I am found

I am alive in this moment

In this moment I belong

what beauty

2007-07-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

what beauty is hidden for all to see,
if we would seek we would be blinded by it.
what beauty was in his face while he hung
the face that people learned to be the face of the Messiah
contorted and twisted and bloody and painful even to look at
but still showed unmatchable peace.
what beauty was in his eyes
the eyes that looked on children with love
the eyes that looked on a sinful and evil word
with love
and did not punish though he had power and authority
but sacrified himself
what beauty is in those eyes?
for his eyes said more than any poem can
it made hearts sing with more beautiful melodies than we could fathom.
if we were to look in those eyes, even though he was dying,
we would see life.
life that we've never dreamed.
life that need not thirst or hunger.
what beauty is in the scars on his hands.
the hands that he used to serve by washing his disciples feet
the hands that were used to draw a line in the sand where he gave grace
the hands that were used to touch a leper.
the hands that he hung by to serve, fogive, and heal me
what beauty is in the scars on his feet.
the feet that he walked across the earth with
the feet that he walked to undeserving lands
what beauty is in the story of love
who can match such a love
who can fathom such a love
why does this beauty sting our eyes to look at
what beauty is in the heart of the saviour
the heart that did not condemn
but asked forgiveness over the ones who hung him there
asked forgiveness over us
asked forgiveness over me
because i hung him there.
i hung him there and he asked forgiveness over me
that heart that did not condemn,
even as it beat its very last
what beauty is in that heart?
how beautiful is our saviour?

i officially love this devos site!

2007-07-25T14:59:00.000-07:00

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained. Philippians 3:13-15 (NIV)

Have you ever wanted to make a difference in someone else’s life or wanted to straighten up something in your own life but then thought to yourself “I just can’t do it, I always mess it up.” Or “I’ve been this way for a long time, I can’t change now.” You are not alone. The good news about this is that it’s not true. These thoughts are an attack from the evil one himself. The truth is that you can change, as a matter of fact the bible promises that change to us. Being a person that has a rather “questionable” past, I am prone to thinking that I can never shake it or really make a difference. I can go to church, or read the bible, or read an inspiring book, or see a “Hallmark” commercial (just kidding about the commercial) and get inspired to make a positive change. When I get inspired like that, I think to myself “I want to do that, I want to make a difference.” Then all of a sudden, the next thought that comes rushing in to my head is the memory of my past failures.
Since I’ve been a Christian for a while my past holds both successes and failures, but usually the failures are more predominant. Why is that? Because Satan knows that if he reminds me of them, I may listen to him and not make the change I want to make. Every time I get into a predicament like this I have a choice. I can choose to let my past failures hold me down or I can let the passion for change spur me on to reach the goal. Since God is the one who gave me the passion for the change in the first place what do you think He wants me to do? The events that follow are determined by the choice I make. If I choose to let my past hold me down then I have one more failure to add to my long list. If I choose to follow my passion, no matter what Satan tells me, God blesses me. If God asked me to do something and I do it, He WILL bless me. He will do the same for you too. God wants to bless us, Jesus said that He came so that we could have life and have it to the full. Do you think God wants us laying around worried about our past? Does that sound like “living life to the full” to you? It doesn’t to me either. God is calling us to change and grow in Him each and every day. He wants us to make the decision to move in Him. He gives us a passion to change for Him. What did you do with the passion God gave you today? What are you going to do with the passion He gives you tomorrow? Will you choose to let your past hold you down or your passion to spur you on? I know what God is rooting for. No matter what Satan tells you, God is rooting for you to press on. If you are in Him, you will be blessed.

I am overthinking... (my own version)

2007-07-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

I was thinking, over thinking
cause theres just to many scenarios to analyze
look into my eyes
cause you see my dream
please let it come true
I was thinking, over thinking
about how i'm not exactly who i wanna be
or exaclty where i wanna be
but that not your fault you see
and i can only blame me.
I was thinking, over thinking
with all i want i'll break my heart in two
more times than you could ever do.
i know you can't dissapoint me more than i do.
so let me learn to honor you.
I was thinking, over thinking
i look to myself too much
to ever listen and use you as my crutch
i gotta learn to depend
on you to the end
i was thinking, over thinking
selfish thoughts with no listening to your will
and now i know you will
give me a life of abundance
if i can just stop trying to dance
by myself. i need you to lead
and follow without stubborness.

wow i hope no one actually reads this because the "rhymes" are pathetic. i now know i will never be a songwriter... lol

in response to my own post...

2007-07-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

encouragement comes from all around
"For i know the plans i have for you. plans to prosper you and not to harm you. plans to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
"Ask and itwill be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. FOr everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. " MAtthew 7:7-8
Remember....If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. So be strong....and work!

too much thinking about the future....

2007-07-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

grrrr. i want to much in my future.
what am i going to do?
i want to go back to mexico for a year, i want to go to briercrest, i want to join habitat for humanity, i want to be involved with ywam. I mean, look at this article from ywam's website:

God on the move in Madurai YWAM Madurai, India team reaches 1500 slum children
Standing room only at YWAM Vacation Bible Schools
The slums of Madurai, South India, have not been forgotten by God. A team of YWAMers in this Tamil city of one million is making sure that slum residents know they haven’t been forgotten by Christians either.
YWAM Madurai recently completed a month-long outreach running Vacation Bible Schools, where they ministered to over 1500 children in five different slums. All told, some 32 YWAMers worked together to run these schools, as outreach teams from a DTS in Orlando and an arts team from Pune also joined the effort.
God was on the move during the four-week run of Bible classes. Here’s a report sent to the International Communications Network from Mark Kannan, YWAM Madurai director.
Testimonies of God on the Move
In Komespalayam slum, some people looked at our VBS materials and were very upset that we had come to share about our relationship with Jesus. They tried to stop us from conducting the classes. But by God’s grace, many slum residents stood with us and helped us with the classes, which defused the tension. Praise God for the local people who supported us.
Meet Lakshmi. She is a 13-year-old Hindu girl. She wanted to come to the VBS but her father told her in no uncertain terms that he would not allow her to attend. He also threatened her by telling her that if she attended the classes the local gods would take revenge on the slum residents. Lakshmi prayed that God would change her father’s mind and he would allow her to attend the VBS. On the first day of class her father suddenly changed his mind and allowed her to go. Lakshmi was elated and learned that if she believed and prayed, Jesus will answer her prayers. She learned this lesson from the class too.
Meet Malar. Before attending VBS, she never listened to her parents before attending VBS. Instead, she spent lots of time watching television and engaging in destructive behavior. During VBS she learned to have faith in God and made the decision that she would listen to her parents. She also decided to curb her excessive television watching.
Meet Prabu, 17. Like most teenagers his age, he frequently made bad choices and did destructive things. During our classes, Prabu learned about spiritual warfare. From that teaching he came to realize that the Kingdom of Darkness works against him and wants him to actively engage in destructive behavior. Prabu made a decision to walk in the Kingdom of light, and he’s a completely different person now.
Many children testified to the great change they experienced during the weeks of class; many of the 1500 said they learned to have friendship with Jesus and faith in God, and learned how to share their problems with the Lord. Another miracle was in the area of weather. Summer here in South India is very hot, a real distraction for teachers and students. We prayed for rain and good weather. God answered our prayer. We had rain, but it was never a hindrance to our classes, and didn’t disrupt our final program.
I want to go to India and i want to travel the world. i want to be a missionary
But i also want a normaler life too. I want to get married and have kids and maybe have an actual career.
I want to do everything and it feels like i'm just getting in the way of myself.
i know that all of this probably sounds selfish to God and i should just trust that he will use me where he wants me, but i can't help but want to follow my own plan and i'm scared that God will let me down and somehow his plans won't be as big for my life as i want them to be. I know that sounds selfish and really like i'm not trusting God.
Philippians 4:6-7 Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peae of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Father, help me be patient and always keep my ears open to your calling. i want to listen and lead i life of value. God, you know my hearts desires and you know that i desire a life to the full. You give life and you give life to the full. I want that. i want to travel and i want to work as a missionary. You know that. god, i pray that in my future i would not turn from you. even if this is stuff that i want to do, i pray that you God would be the one in control of my future and i would learn to honor you whereever i am placed, whether i am where i want to be or not. Through all hardships, i pray that i could honor you. Even if i never get to go to india, please God, let me be at peace with you and know that you have plans far better than mine. you said you have plans for me. Plans to give me a future and a hope. Help me learn to trust in your promises. you are good and you are faithful in your promises. God i love you.

first day of no school

2007-06-27T13:13:00.000-07:00

i couldn't call it the first day of summer cause that's not exactly correct.
but i am officially done grade ten forever.
God thank you for summer. it's so good to have a whole season to just not think and not worry about what's going on. I pray that i would use this time to focus on you and be quiet with you. help me not to waste my time this summer. time is a precious gift and i need to learn to use a lot better and learn to focus on furthering your kingdom. let me see spirits thirsting after you and not simply waste my time on having fun. God you are good and you've giving me so much. i pray that with everything that you've given me, i could learn to honor you in every moment of everyday. let my lifesong sing to you. let my heart be clean and move only at your calling. help me know how to honor you and give me an authentic heart. humble me daily if i am not following your path. i want to follow you. give me guidance. help me be honest with those around me. give me wisdom.

old navy

2007-06-25T15:41:00.001-07:00

i officially applied for a job at Old Navy. that would be awesome if i got a job there!! hopefully this is some answered prayer. okay, that creepy, i just rhymed again. i was just in the chat box on onewaygirls and i rhymed too. maybe i'm slowly morphing into my super alter ego- the rhyminator.
i think i'm overtired. or just really pathetically bored. i need a life.

math equations lol

2007-06-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

God = love
Jesus= God
man< jesus
jesus> man Because he died for us
jesus =love
love begets faith
faith begets hope
hope begets love for jesus which = love for God.

dang it!! now i really want that slide because it was hilarious and actually made sense.

another awesome devo. man its so true

2007-06-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you. Joshua 3:5 I was scared to death. As an adult leader at youth camp, there was an unwritten rule, “Don’t chicken out!” As I stood on the top of a 50 foot telephone pole, I wondered who wrote that rule and why couldn’t it be broken just this once? I knew I was strapped in, I knew others had gone before me and had successfully, in other words safely, made it back to the ground. But what if the rope didn’t hold? What if the zip line which was supposed to give me a thrilling ride was good for 5,000,000 zips and that was the last person? I stood on the brink of chickening out. But I was saved by an amazing thought.
“What will everyone say if I don’t do it?” I learned that the only stronger than my fear was my pride. So I took the leap and the zip down the mountain began. It was awesome! For about a 1 second I felt my body weight pull me down as if I would fall forever. Then came that magic moment where gravity stops and secure harnessing takes over. I loved it! And when it was done, I wanted to do it again.\n\u003cbr\>\n\n\u003cbr\>\nYou’ve had an experience like that – thrilling, scary, terrifying and absolutely wonderful! Maybe it was a big roller coaster, a solo, or your first job. Whatever it is, it teaches us something important in life – those things which are the most fun usually start off the scariest. It’s amazing to do something you didn’t know you could do or even suspected you might not be able to do. And it’s exactly God’s plan for your life.Joshua stood on the edge of a land promised to the people of Israel. A land they would have to fight for and possess and it was scary. Yet Joshua knew the way God worked when he said, “Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.” It’s what HE does! Amazing things through us and for us are God’s specialty. But it requires a leap of faith on our parts. So go ahead and leap. But believe God will do something great in you and through you when you do. And if you get a chance to do the zip line, take it! Don’t be a chicken (like me!).

“What will everyone say if I don’t do it?” I learned that the only stronger than my fear was my pride. So I took the leap and the zip down the mountain began. It was awesome! For about a 1 second I felt my body weight pull me down as if I would fall forever. Then came that magic moment where gravity stops and secure harnessing takes over. I loved it! And when it was done, I wanted to do it again. You’ve had an experience like that – thrilling, scary, terrifying and absolutely wonderful! Maybe it was a big roller coaster, a solo, or your first job. Whatever it is, it teaches us something important in life – those things which are the most fun usually start off the scariest. It’s amazing to do something you didn’t know you could do or even suspected you might not be able to do. And it’s exactly God’s plan for your life. Joshua stood on the edge of a land promised to the people of Israel. A land they would have to fight for and possess and it was scary. Yet Joshua knew the way God worked when he said, “Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.” It’s what HE does! Amazing things through us and for us are God’s specialty. But it requires a leap of faith on our parts. So go ahead and leap. But believe God will do something great in you and through you when you do. And if you get a chance to do the zip line, take it! Don’t be a chicken (like me!).

more on the prayer list.

2007-06-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels like the prayer list is just neverending. and i suppose that's the way it should be. I need to make sure i don't sound like i'm complaining as i say this. It just feels like there's SO much to pray about constantly. i know it's important that we pray about everything. and i love praying. It's feels good to know that my God is up there listening and aching for me.
"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank HIm for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Phili.4:6-7
and i know he cares about us so much that every "small thing" is a big deal.
so here i am on my knees praying for things and more importantly people i care about.
You, Father have the power to do anything. Mountains bow down to you majesty, storms quiet at your beautiful calm spirit, no one else could mold hearts like you. Please help me remember that you care about everything in my life. sometimes i feel silly for praying for things that might be self-seeking or that i feel like i can handle on my own. i know my pride is a huge barrier for being dependant on you. i know my pride hinders me from seeking you as passionately as i can and more serving you as passionately as i can. pull out the rock from underneath me and let me actually rely on you. make my heart humble. make me a servant who is willing and able to HUMBLY serve. protect me from false ideas that i can do it on my own. i can't Father. i know i can't do it by myself. but i pray that to the very core of me i'd believe that nothing good comes apart from you.
So God, with humbleness, i ask that you bless my sister and brothers in Christ. I pray for Gracie and her job interview at Sobey's. God, you and i both know that she has a heart of gold and she's a trustworthy and honest person. God, i pray that even though they may not have a relationship with you, the people hiring her would hear from you as Gracies reference. tug at their hearts and let them know what an awesome person Gracie is. I pray that you would put her where she needs to be this summer. If at Sobey's, i pray that the rest of the staff would be blessed by her. If she gets a job elsewhere, God, i pray that she'd rely on your beautiful plan for her life to guide her to where she needs to be.
God i pray for everyone's finals. Help us trust in you. Help us honor you with giving everything we have in every area of our lives. God i pray for rachel. even though she's probably very stressed, i pray that you would surround her with peace. let Philippians 4:6-7 be her lifeline as she studies hard. Help her to know you have control no matter what the outcome. i pray that i as well would be able to focus and bless you with our actions. i pray if it is your will that we would all do well on our finals and finish this years at school well.
GOd i pray that you would guide me in how to spend my time this summer. help me know where you want me and help me know what's important in your eyes. help me serve and give time to you.
God i thank you for the people graduating tomorrow. help them to use what they've learnt in school, in relationships, and at church with you to make them awesome adults in our communities. I pray that Jeff would find his calling and that you would be behind him pushing him to that calling. i pray that they would find acceptance in the world and work hard to give you honor.
God i also want to raise up the people who aren't feeling you right now. surround them with the reassurance that you're always there. Father, give them patience. Guide them as they collect manna and i pray that they would be diligent in collecting that manna daily.
"Be patient, then, brother, until the Lord's coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yields it's valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lor'ds coming is near." Phili 5:7-8
God i pray for our hearts and the hearts around us. we need to be loving one another as Christians. we don't deserve to have the name Christian if we can't show your love. it's too amazing for us not to share. Your love gives us the power to do anything. i pray that with that power we could love others as you love us. "Love the Lord your God, with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all you mind and with all your strength... Love your neighbour as yourself." Mark 12:30-31. God i pray that we could show this love to people around us who don't know you. Open their hearts and let us rely on you for the words to say to them. you are good and i want to do your work. Give me the opportunities to speak and don't let them pass by without me seeing and responding to them.
God again i praise you for your hand in nature. it's like someday's if i just stop and reach out for your spirit, i can see your fingerprints on what you've created on this earth. it's awesome and it astounds me. Your beauty and you majesty astound me.
Amen.

new devotionals

2007-06-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

I signed up yesterday for at this website that called teen daily devotional ministry and i guess from today forward, each day they are going to send me a devo. I realize that each day i'll probably find something that i want to post here. but i thought this was somehow pretty mind-blowing:

Some Ugly Black Thing
I baptize with water,” John replied, “but among you stands one you do not know. He is the one who comes after me, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. John 1:26, 27 After I arrived home from Africa it took me several weeks to get adjusted back to life in the US. My time in Africa had been eye-opening and God had used it amazingly in the lives of the students who went with me. A few weeks after I was home I noticed that there was a black “thing” next to the toenail on one of my big toes. That’s kind of weird. I looked at it for a while and even asked others to check it out. I knew what I wanted to do. And I tried hard not to. But after a few days I gave in and did what every red-blooded American guy does when faced with just such an occasion – I squeezed it! Stuff that would be impossible to describe in color and volume came flowing from my foot. It oozed and oozed and the more I squeezed, the more it came out – it was awesome! After the squeezing, which did not hurt by the way, I put a band aid over it and left it alone, for a while. But the black kept coming back. Finally, I did the ultimate, I got out a knife and played surgeon. I dug until it hurt and the black stuff went away. Later I found out it was a sand worm found in the dust in Africa. Let’s face it, feet are dirty appendages which God never really tried to make very attractive. Imaging being the servant in a home 2,000 years ago and being given the lowest of all jobs – foot cleaner. The roads were dusty and feet got dirty, so someone had to clean them. Yucko! Only the lowest slave on the ‘ole slave corporate ladder would get the job. And yet John says that he is not worthy to untie the sandals of our Lord. In other words, if given the opportunity to be the foot cleaner for Jesus – he’s not worthy! The humility and honest reverence for our God and King are amazing in his statement. How about you or me? Would we consider ourselves worthy to be the lowest servant in Christ’s house? Oh, but we’re so much more, we’re children of the King. Praise God for raising us to a place we don’t deserve. And praise God for putting dirty feet as far from the nose as possible.

2007-06-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

forgive me Father. for all you've done for me, i feel like i'm continually not giving anything. Forgive me. forgive me. forgive me. please give me the words. i need to speak to her somehow. Just like Moses Father, i need to trust that you'll give me words. "Now go, I will help you speak and will teach you what to say." Forgive me Father.

Father God, i pray for Leon as he's not feeling well. i ask that you give my brother a quick recovery and protect him from anything serious.
God i pray for my sister katie and my brother Keith. i pray that as they are starting to develop their relationship that first and foremost you would help them seek you before anything else. i also pray that you would develop their friendship deeply and give them trust between each other. Father protect them from evil, surround them with wisdom in how to act, and let them know that they will always have friends that support them no matter what happens to them.
God i pray for others in relationships right now. God help them seek your will and seek first your kingdom and wait for all things to be given to them. you provide beautiful love stories and we need to have patience for the right man- a man that seeks after you. help those in relationships to step back and evalute if their lives are honoring You.
thank you for nature. somedays it actually really astounds me how much we can learn about you through looking at nature and meditating on your character as a creator. help us preserve that nature. the beauty that you made that was not meant to be distorted. purify us once again.

My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,
turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,
and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding
if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for a hidden treasure
then you will understand the fear of the Lord
and find the knowledge of God.
For the Lord gives wisdom,
amd from his mouth come knowledge and
understanding.
He holds vicotry in store for the upright,
he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless,
for he guards the course of the just
and protects the way of his faithful ones.
Proverbs 2:1-7

Set apart woman

2007-06-11T17:15:00.001-07:00

Proverbs 31: 10-31:
A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

tired, stressed erin makes for one unhappy camper.

2007-06-11T06:13:00.000-07:00

God, i'm overtired and stressed. i want to honor you with my marks, but it feels like too little too late and now there's too much on my plate and i can't handle this. i need you to be my source of strength. i need to keep your peace and joy wtihin me even though i really don't feel it right now. God, i pray that you would bless my day and keep me from lashing out at others. i need the patience only you can teach. help me watch my mouth. i'm tired and it easily goes evil. keep the devil from using my mouth. i want to honor you in all that i do. help me to know how to honor you. amen

me being hypocritical

2007-06-10T17:50:00.000-07:00

God, i know you are a God of mercy. have mercy on me. forgive me for being hypocritical. i can't believe how stupid it was for me to think i could speak/ preach to someone when i myself, haven't dealt with the exact thing i was trying to "preach" about. God forgive me for my unlove. tell me if there's a way to make it right. tell me if theres something i need to do. You've told us from the beginning to love others. and that's what i need to do. but you've also told us, that we need to be your hands and feet and God, you've convicted me in that i need to act with love. please, before i preach, let me examine my own life from now on. please make me humble to listen and not just think i can somehow be a teacher without listening to the words of The Teacher. Guard my heart from thinking evil about another person. a person that you created and you love. Guard my mouth from saying evil. Please let me be a light into dark places and convict me in my sin.
i pray that you would also convict others in their gossiping. we need to learn to love. if we can't figure that out but we somehow think we're still qualified to preach to others about God's love- God, we are such hypocrites. Make us understand your love and be able to show it. God, you have so much love to give.
I also pray that we as woman of intergrity could guard our hearts against giving into daydreaming or giving away to much of our hearts. what chet said today about being single, God, i think that would be important for a lot of us to hear. we NEED to understand that only you complete us. only you can give us satisfaction and love that we need. God, you know who i'm praying for specifically. she needs to realize your love is sufficient. she needs you to shake her from her boy crazy ways. i pray that you would surround her with boys of intergrity that wouldn't prey on this weakness. i pray that the boys in her life would lift her into a deeper realtionship with you. i pray that if there's something i need to say or do to show her that she's going down a tough path, that i would rely on you to give me the words. But before i do, please convict me if i'm going to end up being a hypocrite once again
God i pray for myself in this aspect. you know i've asked you to take away this burden. But God, if i'm supposed to struggle through this, if this is something you've placed in my life to test me, God, praise be to you for your plan. I ask for strength and the ability to focus on you without distractions. i trust your will. i lift these things to you. i know you have the power.
bless my mexico girls and even my boys. bless the people of the youth group this summer and help us use or time to focus on you. give us strength against temptations and give us patience with each other and other people as well. Go before us in our days. Amen.

From the missions trip

2007-06-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

a look into my prayer journal:
I remember in the Nuthouse, Graham was giving his testimony and then he started asking tough questions. WE all started remembering the interviews and one of the questions was, "Why do you deserve to get into heaven?"
I don't want my answer to sound like a Sunday School answer, but quite honestly, I really don't deserve it. This missions trip has really openned my eyes to just how huge our mission really is. It's like each da, I might do one thing right for one person but theres millions of people out there and each minute passing is a new opportunity to minister. It's like no matter how hard I try, I can't do it. Each day, I fail. I want more. I know with God I"m capable of more. It's just so huge. I'm on the verge of being overwhelmed. I'm just shocked at the vastness of what he's calling us to do. I want to be a worker in the feild, but this is one massive feild. And i'm not saying i'm alone. I know theres hundreds of disciples ministering out there, and lots of people supporting me personally. and i know that the power of God is huge. I just feel like i'm not doing closeto the amount of work I should be doing. ALl the opportunities to win a soul for God and I fell like I'm doing nothing. So really, I don't deserve to go to heaven. I don't deserve to be rewarded for what little I'm doing. I want to do more. I want to actually live everyday for Him. I definately don't want to end on such a desperate note, so i have to remember that God still loves me. No matter how many times I fail or how deep my failures are. He died for my gain.
I don't understand that love. it's too awesome. How can he love me, when somehow, after every beautiful gift, every heart-stopping experience, i'm scared to share those gifts and those experiences. It's MY JOB. that's why we're all here. so what's wrong with me? i need to speak. i need to act. He gave me an insight into joy and beauty and love and I HAVE NO RIGHT NOT TO SHARE IT! so why am i not?

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure,
that He would give His only Son,
to make a wretch his treasure

Why should i gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart,
His wounds have payed my ransom.

chain mail

2007-02-08T19:07:00.000-08:00

I got one of those petition things again in my email. i was about to delete it. i mean, what are the chances that one of those emails are valid right? but what if it is? what if the person out there is actually dying of cancer, or does actually have abuse memories? what if i'm not helping them by not signing their petition? but those petition things don't actually work, do they? i'm confused... should i be feeling guilty about this?

SLEEPY

2006-12-27T17:30:00.000-08:00

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
this is what i wish i was doing right now. and it's only 7:30. grrr. why am i so tired? ever since my trip back from arizona. i'm exhausted. Jetlag doesn't last this long does it? there's gotta be something wrong with me.
i actually tried to go to sleep about a half hour ago but my mom wouldn't let me. grrr. i want to go to bed. the c.d. katie gave me isn't helping all that much either. making me even more sleepy.
i had a nap on christmas eve. i mean, a nap? i haven't had a nap since i was 5 years old or something stupid like that.
maybe i need some excersize. i haven't done anything physical for a whole week. i've just been sitting on my ever growing butt eating chocolate. you know i really like breaks, but i think it's unhealthy for me to have to much time to myself. and i'm not allowed to go out with my friends until my homeworks done. grrr. stupid homework. grrr. i hate missing school.
*head's falling forward*
waaaaa, i wanna go to bed.
it's not like i can concentrate enough for homework anyway. i tried reading my bible and i kept on having to read it over and over again.
maybe i'm sick or something. i doubt it, but still, there's gotta be something wrong with me.

KKKK, ARIZONA, BABY!!!

2006-12-15T13:21:00.001-08:00

hmm, it's nice and hot down here, just like a desert should be i guess.
December 13
woke up at four am. changed, made sure everything was packed, wrapped some gifts for my youth group kids. panicked when i forgot to get something cheap for keith, but then daddy came to my rescue and asked if i wanted to give him a racquet. mom dropped us off at the ariport at 5:30. argg, way to early in the morning. feeling kinda airport sick. which, if you've never been, is pretty nasty- stomach churning like all day.
took a flight to minneapolis which went okay- i kindofslept the way there. got a 2hour layover in the minneapolis airport- which by the way is i think my favorite airport. it's like a mini mall type thing. we met up with Ryan, who's the top 18 and under boy in our great nation. he's kinda cocky and i really dont' trust him, but he can be funny. took a flight to arizona. listened to music- thanks to the music mylandra and katie provided with my newly burnt c.d.s. the guy in front of us was watching hitch on his laptop so i peeked over and watched some of it but i didn't hear any of the dialouge- that's how bored i was on that flight... got into arizona, had to wait for our luggage. had to wait for a van to pick us up...
finish this post later, gtg shower. XOXO

christmas song

2006-12-05T14:43:00.000-08:00

I stole this from another persons blog site because it kinda tickled my funnybone for some weird reason...

My true love gave to me....
I saw this on the MSN website...on MSN money, news. Apparently the total price of the total of these 12 items has gone up just over 3% from last year. How does inflation sleep at night?

PNC Christmas Price Index
2006
One partridge
$15
Pear tree
$129.99
Two turtle doves
$40
Three French hens
$45
Four calling birds
$479.96
Five gold rings
$325
Six geese a-laying
$300
Seven swans a-swimming
$4,200
Eight maids a-milking
$41.20
Nine ladies dancing
$4,759.19
10 lords a-leaping
$4,160.25
11 pipers piping
$2,124
12 drummers drumming
$2,301
Total Christmas Price Index
$18,920.59

counting down

2006-11-30T14:25:00.000-08:00

ever feel like your actually linving in a continous countdown? that's what i've been feeling ever since this past summer. every week i have a countdown until friday night. i've had a countdown for christmas and for going to Arizona. i've been counting down days until holidays... i'm continously looking for things to keep me going till next week. which, i guess is good in some ways because i'm always looking forward to something (aka youth group). but then, it's like i'm focusing to much in to the future. God created me as a worrier. i've always been a worrier i guess. even when i was young.
this one time when i was like 8 years old or something, my dad, brother and i stayed up late watching a movie on tv. it was an easter's eve. the movie kept going and going until my dad looked up at the clock and he was like, "Erin, it's tomorrow already." i had never stayed up that late before and i was seriously freaking out for some weird reason. 12 o'clock? that was insane!! i couldn't stay up that long! what if i was so tired i never woke up again? how could my dad trick me into staying up late? what was wrong with him; most parents shooed their kids off before 9. my brother and my dad still bug me about how i freaked out to this day. i was a weird little kid who worried way too much.
anyway, lately God has been espicially trying to teach me to trust him and stop worrying about tomorrow. it's SO hard for me. i hate to think of giving up control like that.
a while ago i lost my binder. and i don't know if anybody reading this has ever lost their binders before, but it's really scary, because it has all the work you've been doing for an entire semester in it and you're basically screwed and i don't know why, but for me it would be REALLY embarassing to tell your teacher you lost everything. i guess i'm a little bit of a teacher's pet. any way, i was scared out of my mind. like really. then i remembered to pray. and i prayed that everything would just be a dream or something. then this thought struck me. he physically said in my head. do not worry about tomorrow. trust in Me. and i wanted to trust in Him so i decided to use all my brain power to just let go of worrying and trust that it would be okay. he was my creator and he controlled my destiny so it didn't really matter what i thought about how it should all come around. i had to trust that what he was putting me through was for my own good. so i gave all my worrying up to him. next day when i went to school, i found my binder in the girls changeroom at our school. when i saw it, first thing that popped into my head was HALLELUIA!! wow, my God is soo insanely good to me. it was an amazing experience. it felt so real and like God was there with me through the entire time.
so anyway, lately it was getting tough and i was in overdrive running on nothing. i had the biggest fight i've ever had with my parents and i was sobbing uncontrolably for like fifteen minutes. after i got sent to bed i layed there for a long time because i couldn't sleep. I told God i was hurting really bad and i felt him say trust in Me. so i decided to try and trust that everything that was going on in my life was there for a reason. it happened for a reason and i needed to trust in his plan ahead of my own. i finally got to sleep with a smile on my face after talking to God for about a half hour. it felt good to know my heavenly father was always there even when my earthly parents were being unsympathetic.
i'm continually challenged to give up my own idea of how i should live and believe in his plan and the fact that he will always be there for me.

AHHH!!

2006-11-28T17:28:00.000-08:00

14 more days until i'm gone to Arizona!! i'm so not ready for this!!! *deep breaths*
yes, i have been doing a countdown.

2006-11-27T14:36:00.000-08:00

Okay i know people reading this are probably going to be like, Erin, you just post another song, how lame is your blog that you can't think of anything to write, but seriously, people these days have gotta read stuff like this. the concept is huge. that there are people out there that are hurting and we have got to lay down our pride and just love them. and i totally don't mean like loving them from far away either. i mean actually physically talking to them, making them feel welcomed and loved. people need that. I need that. thankfully i have that, but what about those people that don't?

and maybe i shouldn't be talking because lately i keep on running headfirst into these instances where i get this nudge and God's poking me and asking me, why did you just be mean to my creation? that kid that you just snubbed, that's my creation. i love him or her, so what gives you the right to think you can judge them? and He's sooo right (as always)- what gives me the right to judge others when God has decided not to judge us? He knows everything that we've done and he's chosen not to judge us. i just look at a person and frankly i probably don't know half the crap they've done and somehow i believe that i have a right to look down on them??? why do our brains work that way. like, how do we shut that judging part of our brain off? i seriously wish there was a simple button or switch or something. because when i just take a second and lean back and think, i hate myself for being such an idiot and thinking i'm somehow better. God taught me he loves me no matter what i've done. (thank goodness for that grace considering how i have been acting lately) so, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO? he'd love people no matter what they've done. or how they look. i guess that's my challenge this week.

i'm actually going to take a tally of all the judgements i make on people daily. we'll see how scary i turn out to be.

No one sits with him, he doesn’t fit in,
But we feel like we do when we make fun of him,
'Cause you want to belong, do you go along?
'Cause his pain is the price paid for you to belong
It’s not like you hate him or want him to die,
But maybe he goes home and thinks suicide,
Or he comes back to school with a gun at his side,
Any kindness from you might have saved his life...
TAG: Heroes are made when you make a choice...
CHORUS: You could be a hero,
Heroes do what’s right,
You could be a hero,
You might save a life,
You could be a hero,
you could join the fight,
For what’s right, for what’s right, for what’s right...
No one talks to her, she feels so alone,
She’s in too much pain to survive on her own,
The hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife,
She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life,
Each day she goes on is a day that she’s brave,
Fighting the lie that giving up is the way,
Each moment of courage her own life she saves,
When she throws the pills out a hero is made...
TAG/CHORUS
No one talks to him about how he lives,
He thinks that the choices he makes are just his,
Doesn’t know he’s a leader with the way he behaves,
And others will follow the choices he’s made,
He lives on the edge, he’s old enough to decide,
His brother who wants to be him is just nine,
He can do what he wants because it’s his right,
The choices he makes change a nine-year-old's life...
TAG/CHORUSBRIDGE:
Little Mikey D was the one in class
Who every day got brutally harassed,
This went on for years until he decided
That never again would he shed another tear,
So he walked through the door,
Grabbed the .44 out of his father’s dresser drawer,
And said, "I can’t take life no more!"
And like that, life can be lost,
But this ain’t even about that,
All of us just sat back and watched it happen,
Thinkin', "It’s not my responsibility
To solve a problem that isn’t even about me,"
This is our problem,
This is just one of them daily scenarios
In which we choose to close our eyes,
Instead of doing the right thing,
If we make a choice
To be the voice
For those who won’t speak up for themselves,
How many lives would be saved, changed, rearranged?
Now it’s our time to pick a side,
So don’t keep walking by, not wanting to intervene,
'Cause you just wanna exist and never be seen,
So let’s wake up,
Change the world,
Our time is now...
You could be a hero - (Our time is now) heroes do what’s right
You could be a hero - (Our time is now) you might save a life
You could be a hero - (Our time is now) you could join the fight
For what’s right, for what's right, for what’s right...

(ps, honorable mentions to grace and katie who reminded me about this song and actually got me thinking about it's message.)

Healing Rain by Michael W. Smith

2006-11-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

Healing rain is coming down
It's coming nearer to this old town
Rich and poor, weak and strong
It's bringing mercy, it won't be long
Healing rain is coming down
It's coming closer to the lost and found
Tears of joy, and tears of shame
Are washed forever in Jesus' name
Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
Lift your heads, let us return
To the mercy seat where time began
And in your eyes, I see the pain
Come soak this dry heart with healing rain
And only You, the Son of man
Can take a leper and let him stand S
o lift your hands, they can be held
By someone greater, the great I Am
Healing rain, it comes with fire
So let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
To be washed in Heaven's rain...
Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...

turth comes out, i guess

2006-11-25T08:58:00.000-08:00

i told my dad that i broke my eye-guards. I'd love to say i did it because it was the right thing to do, but it was more of the fact that i can't pay for new ones and he was going to find out anyway when he saw me with someone else's eyeguards. there was a part of me that new i had to tell him no matter what. i think he was either too tired to really care or else he actually was trying to respect the fact that i stepped up and told him and he new that i was starting to get really stressed out. he didn't freak out or spaz. he just kinda calmy asked me how and why it happened and if i had enough money to pay for a new pair. i really hope i don't have to pay otherwise there's no way i'll have enough money for christmas presents.
i played jeff yesterday in a tourny. apparently lots of people were talking about it (i'm guessing because they wanted to see me beat him.) i lost. out of everyone in the entire tourny, besides sean, i cannot play jeff. i just get so frusterated and he always plays a really slow pace that i can't stand and just taps it to the front wall. i cannot play jeff, he is soooo frusterating. one guy said he almost put a bet that i'd win against jeff. good thing he didn't.

might as well say it.

2006-11-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

okay last friday at rac8ball, i blew it. i mean i totally blew it. I was having a really crappy week and i just felt stressed and streched in every direction until i couldn't handle it. the day before, thursday, i was playing a league game against this guy that there is no way i shoud loose to him, but i did. i sucked and i didn't care, but at the same time i cared enough to get angry at the fact that i didn't care. right after the last point when he won, i ran upstairs to the bathroom and cried and kicked the wall. i locked myself up in a bathroom stall and cried for ten minutes straight. (thank goodness no one else came into the bathroom.) i took my time changing and i was in a really foul mood. i phoned home to see if my mom could pick me up but she got angry cause i was supposed to be ready to have a shower at the club. i hang up on her. it was the first time i've ever hung up on my mom. my dad was still playing so i curled up on one of the couches and sat in my misery. the guy that i had just played came over and he was like, " are you okay?" i shook my head cause i didn't really want to verbalize how i felt. he said, "erin, you gotta let it go, it was just a game." i didn't want to look at him, cause i knew he was right but i was just so frusterated with my week. we went home and i went straight to bed. i didn't want to talk to my mom. the next morning i had a little spat with mymom again and i had choir at 7:30. i got there at 7:45. i was still tired and frusterated. my friends asked me if i was okay cause i wasn't really talking. i shook my head. i was not okay. the day went by and my one annoying friend nick kept on calling me emo. i kinda yelled at him and some of my other friends were like, "erin, whats gotten into you." that night, i went to rac8ball lessons and i lost again to another person i definately shouldn't have. it was 12-5 and i swore and slammed my eyeguards on the ground. they broke in two. my coach looked worried. i walked past him and just said, "i can't handle this." i found a litttle courner in the squash court and started crying and swearing and praying. after about 15 minutes, i got back up, went on to a court and started hitting the ball as hard as i could. i reached my breaking point. and n0w my eyeguards are broken. my dad doesn't know but when he finds out there's going to be hell to pay. i'm so scared.

OKay i know this is kinda stupid considering i had a blog site and i just deleted it but i feel like i need an outlet right now.

2006-11-23T15:07:00.000-08:00

k, so i was kinda inspired to get my own blogsite (once again) after reading some other peoples. I'm not saying that i will definately post like all the time now, because y'all know how my last blog turned out... but i dunknow, i just felt like i need a journal because lately all this stuff has just been piling up farther and farther and i need some sort of way to expel all of this built up stress. wow, my first post on my new blog site and already i sound emo. what if i am really emo at heart and i just don't know it yet. but then, that can't be because i like to wear brightish clothes and i don't cut myself.