Tuesday, June 17, 2008

why am i so selfish?

this past month has been the stress month of my life.
i realized how stupidly selfish i am this morning in reviewing how this past month has gone.
espicially this morning, God really brought it to my attention looking over the past few entries in my prayer journal. it seems like almost everyone has been a rushed prayer right before heading off to finish a huge assignment or a rushed prayer right before heading off to school to write a final and the prayer is unfocused because i'm trying not to waste brain power or anything that doesn't involve trying to memorize how to do a certain math problem or the legal system of canada or what i'm going to say for a certain presentation.
All these prayers are filled with words like, "God, please let me do a good job." "Let my work honor you. " and looking back, can i honestly say that this prayer is honest? am i truly trying to honor him with honoring myself? i understand that in everything we do we are to do it well, but i seem to be forgetting the second part of that verse, or at least, not applying it on a deep level. do it well, as though working for God and not for man. how can i think of the way i've been putting so much time and effort into studying and schoolwork as worship of God when that's all my prayers consit of? where is the prayer that for once i'm not thinking about myself and what God can do for me? where is the worship of simply deciding to spend time in the word simply because i love him and i just want to listen to him. it's like, because my life is full of stress, the world suddenly revolves around my problems and i abuse the fact that God has unconditional love and grace for me. Where's the humble attitude that he is God and he's willing to speak to me if i choose to put him above everything.
Father, i wish this life was easier. i wish it was easier to choose you once and be devoted to you for life. It's so hard to realize that every moment is a choice of worship. Every second i'm given is a new chance for me to choose to pick you above everything. i want to be obsessed in everything you are. i wish i could block out the world. i wish i could be like one of the elders that Isaiah talks about, so seduced by your glory that i could do nothing but fall at your feet, knowing nothing but your spirt and your loveliness. Take me to the other side of heaven. Teach me what it means to be obsessed. I want to give up this obsession of self. i want to give up this idea that i need to receive from you to know that i am loved. i'm so selfish. teach me what it means to be a servant father. I love you.
I ask for your blessing, but only if you have searched my heart and you see it to be a humble request. i know i can never deserve what you give. i love you.

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