Friday, April 20, 2012

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

wow. this blog is ancient.

I feel so strange posting again. especially since, really, who blogs anymore? (I'm saying this both in earnest and in irony- because it seems as though my floor this year of Julian Hall and Lewis Hall have taken quite the liking to displaying their thoughts and feelings in the form of a journal-esque medium that is open to the world to see- which i am just now catching on in understanding why my dad had such an issue with describe my inner world to whoever wanted to traipse through the abyss of the internets to find the rare jewel that is my inner world...) so, that being said, perhaps my question has more to do with, really, who reads blogs anymore?

Also. why am I awake? This semester especially, I've formed this terrible habit of staying up until about 2 am every night. Partially done so I can keep company with my late night friends but partially also just out of my own lack of will to go to bed. which is stupid really- because how much will should it take to shut off your brain after a long day of thinking, reacting, problem-solving, studying, etc.? I think that subject has been at the fore of my brain recently- the idea of willpower and, moreover, choice. Mostly because this year I've made friends with an ASTOUNDING woman that inspires me in almost every way. She is so talented, deeply giving of herself, spiritually alive and awake, and capable of just about any feat. And as I've had the privilege to pry open her inner thoughts as she has shared herself more with me, I've been brought to life in my desire for more out of my life and out of my relationships. I am not like her. but at the same time I am. In so many ways I feel as though she is like an amplified version of myself. What I mean is that I possess many of the same thoughts and gifts and feelings as she does, but somehow, she's always seemed more in tune with making the most of these. She is tenacious about following and seeking out the tangents that her brain allows. She speaks of choice constantly with me- how each choice that we make has such a power to direct the course of our lives. She speaks impassioned and with integrity because of the obviously God-empowered discernment she holds in making decisions that have directed her life.

All of this has led me to simple questions. Questions that I don't have answers for at the present moment, but that I would love to explore with Jesus' direction.
1) Who do I want to be?
2) Am I who I want to be?
3) What would it look for me to become more of the person I want to be?

And is life more about the doing or simply the being? How does one change themselves? Is it a process that necessitates full submission to God, or does that engender passivity and an external locus of control that is damaging to one's recognition of being a motivated actor in their own lives? okay. start easily. first question first. But for now, sleep- let the answer to the first question be a post for a later date.

Friday, December 19, 2008

starting to write again...

it's like dragging myself back into a habit that i know is good for me.

i think God created in my a need to write, and i've been greatly regretting not be diligent in it.
writing is my release, my way to make sense of my thoughts, and so the past few months have been building up in me- milllions of silly unaswered questions, millions of questions never asked. wanting and desiring to be real, but not knowing what "real" is exactly. falling down, and never processing how to get myself off the ground before continuing to travel, not even realizing that i'm dragging myself, instead of walking.

ignoring the questions that could shape me, the lessons i never gave myself time to answer. so many question that i don't even know how to ask. we live in a messed up world- are my eyes just now being opened to that? why now- why am i seeing this now- who is openning my eyes- god or the enemy? who's plan am i walking in right now, in this moment? am i justified in all that i do- or am i walking ever so slowly away from his path for me- so slow and subtly, that i would hardly notice except to see the trail of blood i'm leaving behind from the tiny cuts i've made along the way. why does it always come back to blood? so many questions. so many things i haven't asked, haven't said, putting on a smile and shaking it all off. i need to come back. so many prayers i'm scared to pray because it all seems so hopeless. i was once a child of faith and i saw miracles and answered prayer- why not now? why pray anyway- god is god- he already knows the future.

My world is filled with letters never sent,
words never spoken,
lips always sealed.
Who will i be when it's all over ?
perhaps i will be a mute…
in a different life.
Unhappy with silence,
But sealed within such silence.
Emotions are emotions- they don't recquire words to be so.
Who am I ?
I cry, i cry, i cry,
louder and louder, « who am I ? »
When will i know ?
Silent cries that recquire no breath.
Silence as usual.
Why ?
I don't even know.
Letters never sent,
words never spoken
Lips always sealed.

i hope that anyone reading this will not be offended by my seeming lack of questions- i hope that they will understand that these are questions that have been boiling inside me, waiting to come out. i have no question of the fact that God will answer these questions in his time- they are simply questions that i need to be honest in asking. i'm ready to come back father. but i need to hear your voice calling me back.

"Yet i hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from it's place." Rev. 2: 4-5
come back lampstand- i need your light in my life!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

waking up

Open your eyes

The world is waiting for you.

In heart so vulnerable
lies the longing for love.

Wake up and see
that there are hearts that are breaking,
hearts that are aching.

remember first who you are, oh chosen one
and let your heart move for you

let the one who commands your heart move you

your feet will follow

The path is already set

if you will open your eyes,
It's easy to see.

Wake up your heart
Take up your cross
Wake up the world with your love
Take up the adventure of a lifetime!

He's waiting

Open your eyes

Open your heart

He's waiting.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

why am i so selfish?

this past month has been the stress month of my life.
i realized how stupidly selfish i am this morning in reviewing how this past month has gone.
espicially this morning, God really brought it to my attention looking over the past few entries in my prayer journal. it seems like almost everyone has been a rushed prayer right before heading off to finish a huge assignment or a rushed prayer right before heading off to school to write a final and the prayer is unfocused because i'm trying not to waste brain power or anything that doesn't involve trying to memorize how to do a certain math problem or the legal system of canada or what i'm going to say for a certain presentation.
All these prayers are filled with words like, "God, please let me do a good job." "Let my work honor you. " and looking back, can i honestly say that this prayer is honest? am i truly trying to honor him with honoring myself? i understand that in everything we do we are to do it well, but i seem to be forgetting the second part of that verse, or at least, not applying it on a deep level. do it well, as though working for God and not for man. how can i think of the way i've been putting so much time and effort into studying and schoolwork as worship of God when that's all my prayers consit of? where is the prayer that for once i'm not thinking about myself and what God can do for me? where is the worship of simply deciding to spend time in the word simply because i love him and i just want to listen to him. it's like, because my life is full of stress, the world suddenly revolves around my problems and i abuse the fact that God has unconditional love and grace for me. Where's the humble attitude that he is God and he's willing to speak to me if i choose to put him above everything.
Father, i wish this life was easier. i wish it was easier to choose you once and be devoted to you for life. It's so hard to realize that every moment is a choice of worship. Every second i'm given is a new chance for me to choose to pick you above everything. i want to be obsessed in everything you are. i wish i could block out the world. i wish i could be like one of the elders that Isaiah talks about, so seduced by your glory that i could do nothing but fall at your feet, knowing nothing but your spirt and your loveliness. Take me to the other side of heaven. Teach me what it means to be obsessed. I want to give up this obsession of self. i want to give up this idea that i need to receive from you to know that i am loved. i'm so selfish. teach me what it means to be a servant father. I love you.
I ask for your blessing, but only if you have searched my heart and you see it to be a humble request. i know i can never deserve what you give. i love you.

i stole this from robyn's blog, but it just fit what i think soo much that i feel like i could have written it.

I wonder.............Somedays I just want someone to be strong for me, to carry the burden that I think I carry. Sometimes I just want to be the weak one. I go through my life, trying to fool everyone into thinking that I am the "strong" one, when somedays, I just want someone to take that for me.Tonight a dear friend told me that if I had a partner to carry my burden, to be dependent on, to always be weak with, maybe I wouldn't rely so much on God.She, is a smart one....

Monday, April 07, 2008

i'm officially 17.
woo hoo.
and i have my license.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Listen, be still, think. but most of all: listen

i think i'm becoming more and more like my parents. ever since jeff moved out, i've been getting slowly, but surely, closer to my mom. not in a big way or anything, but just in the she-my-companion-since-the-house-has-gotten-emptier type of thing. she actually really opened up about a big part of her life- her family- a couple weeks ago. we just sat and talked for like 45mins. I'm starting to understand more about how and why my parents decided to raise me the way they did. how they grew up and how it affect how they're going to let me grow up. i've been realizing that i still have a lot of maturing to do. it's alot cooler when mom and i can feel like friends.
that being said, it feels like dad is hardly even a part of this family anymore. he's hardly ever at home and when he is, half the time he's talking about the things that annoyed him about work and what he still has to do at work. I think he's either gotten over the most stressful part of the year or else he's just getting used to it because he has been a little less crabby all the time lately. But that couple of months when he was just non-stop grumpy were ugly. i went back and forth from bitter to not even caring that he was even a part of our family. But the entire time mom and i had an unspoken agreement that neither of us would try to confront him because we both know it would just add to his stress. as i said, he's been getting a bit better the past couple months, so i am thankful. for those out there praying, please keep him in your prayers. I know God hears our voices.
sometimes taking a step back and just thinking, instead of reacting all the time, is good for perspective. i wish i was more patient and thoughtful in a lot of situations. i think God keeps on challenging me with the story of Mary and Martha. I love doing. But i know i also love the times of just listening and thinking. I know God's voice is out there, even if i somehow think i don't have the time to sit and listen. its like that song Robyn sung in Mexico. I need to be still and quiet.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


okay, i kind of feel like i'm going to puke.
i'm going for my license. (yes- finally- i know.)
but stomach doesn't really like me right now. i really shouldn't be worried. i mean, this is stupid. it doesnt' really matter if i fail the first time, right? so just breathe enji. breathe. *deep breaths*. ookay, calm down, you're gonna be fine. the worst thing that could possibly happen... is that i KILL someone! okay, breathe....
don't worry about me, i'll be fine. send up a prayer for me if you read this.