Thursday, November 30, 2006

counting down

ever feel like your actually linving in a continous countdown? that's what i've been feeling ever since this past summer. every week i have a countdown until friday night. i've had a countdown for christmas and for going to Arizona. i've been counting down days until holidays... i'm continously looking for things to keep me going till next week. which, i guess is good in some ways because i'm always looking forward to something (aka youth group). but then, it's like i'm focusing to much in to the future. God created me as a worrier. i've always been a worrier i guess. even when i was young.
this one time when i was like 8 years old or something, my dad, brother and i stayed up late watching a movie on tv. it was an easter's eve. the movie kept going and going until my dad looked up at the clock and he was like, "Erin, it's tomorrow already." i had never stayed up that late before and i was seriously freaking out for some weird reason. 12 o'clock? that was insane!! i couldn't stay up that long! what if i was so tired i never woke up again? how could my dad trick me into staying up late? what was wrong with him; most parents shooed their kids off before 9. my brother and my dad still bug me about how i freaked out to this day. i was a weird little kid who worried way too much.
anyway, lately God has been espicially trying to teach me to trust him and stop worrying about tomorrow. it's SO hard for me. i hate to think of giving up control like that.
a while ago i lost my binder. and i don't know if anybody reading this has ever lost their binders before, but it's really scary, because it has all the work you've been doing for an entire semester in it and you're basically screwed and i don't know why, but for me it would be REALLY embarassing to tell your teacher you lost everything. i guess i'm a little bit of a teacher's pet. any way, i was scared out of my mind. like really. then i remembered to pray. and i prayed that everything would just be a dream or something. then this thought struck me. he physically said in my head. do not worry about tomorrow. trust in Me. and i wanted to trust in Him so i decided to use all my brain power to just let go of worrying and trust that it would be okay. he was my creator and he controlled my destiny so it didn't really matter what i thought about how it should all come around. i had to trust that what he was putting me through was for my own good. so i gave all my worrying up to him. next day when i went to school, i found my binder in the girls changeroom at our school. when i saw it, first thing that popped into my head was HALLELUIA!! wow, my God is soo insanely good to me. it was an amazing experience. it felt so real and like God was there with me through the entire time.
so anyway, lately it was getting tough and i was in overdrive running on nothing. i had the biggest fight i've ever had with my parents and i was sobbing uncontrolably for like fifteen minutes. after i got sent to bed i layed there for a long time because i couldn't sleep. I told God i was hurting really bad and i felt him say trust in Me. so i decided to try and trust that everything that was going on in my life was there for a reason. it happened for a reason and i needed to trust in his plan ahead of my own. i finally got to sleep with a smile on my face after talking to God for about a half hour. it felt good to know my heavenly father was always there even when my earthly parents were being unsympathetic.
i'm continually challenged to give up my own idea of how i should live and believe in his plan and the fact that he will always be there for me.


katelynn said...

hey sweeetie. i admire that you can so willingly put your trust in him!! you inspire me to do the same!! looking forward to friday (TOMORROW!!!) because i know how you feel...i spend my weeks counting down until friday/sunday also!!

Anonymous said...

Hi hon. Just to let you know, I am an incessant worrier. I worry about the stupidest things that don't even matter. I had a freak-out of my own on Friday when I realized my transcripts might not make it in time for the grant I don't even need. . . seriously.

Regardless, love ya lots and look forward to seeing ya soon-ish.