Saturday, June 09, 2007

From the missions trip

a look into my prayer journal:
I remember in the Nuthouse, Graham was giving his testimony and then he started asking tough questions. WE all started remembering the interviews and one of the questions was, "Why do you deserve to get into heaven?"
I don't want my answer to sound like a Sunday School answer, but quite honestly, I really don't deserve it. This missions trip has really openned my eyes to just how huge our mission really is. It's like each da, I might do one thing right for one person but theres millions of people out there and each minute passing is a new opportunity to minister. It's like no matter how hard I try, I can't do it. Each day, I fail. I want more. I know with God I"m capable of more. It's just so huge. I'm on the verge of being overwhelmed. I'm just shocked at the vastness of what he's calling us to do. I want to be a worker in the feild, but this is one massive feild. And i'm not saying i'm alone. I know theres hundreds of disciples ministering out there, and lots of people supporting me personally. and i know that the power of God is huge. I just feel like i'm not doing closeto the amount of work I should be doing. ALl the opportunities to win a soul for God and I fell like I'm doing nothing. So really, I don't deserve to go to heaven. I don't deserve to be rewarded for what little I'm doing. I want to do more. I want to actually live everyday for Him. I definately don't want to end on such a desperate note, so i have to remember that God still loves me. No matter how many times I fail or how deep my failures are. He died for my gain.
I don't understand that love. it's too awesome. How can he love me, when somehow, after every beautiful gift, every heart-stopping experience, i'm scared to share those gifts and those experiences. It's MY JOB. that's why we're all here. so what's wrong with me? i need to speak. i need to act. He gave me an insight into joy and beauty and love and I HAVE NO RIGHT NOT TO SHARE IT! so why am i not?

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure,
that He would give His only Son,
to make a wretch his treasure

Why should i gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart,
His wounds have payed my ransom.

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