Gulp. (reality check and a half)

enji might be biting off more than she can chew. I really want to be a lot more invovled with ministry and i want to be able to serve as much as possible. but with that comes a lot of commitment. i went to a leadership study and we talked about stuff that is really heavy- cutting, eating disorders, suicide, family problems. it was really tough to sit through and there was a minute or two that i felt like i was in over my head. but i guess it really opened my eyes to just how much people need people to care and be willing to show God's love. I want to help those that feel broken, unloveable, like trash, those that don't understand their true worth. its scary to think that i will be walking the halls with people and never know who is thinking about killing themselves and never knowing if there is someone absolutely desperately in need of a friend and someone to pray for them. But God knows. he knows those hearts. He desperately wants to heal those hearts and tell those hearts that they are beautiful. He desperately wants those hearts to seek him and love him and find fulfillment and purpose in him. and he desperately wants ME AND YOU to show that level of love, that commitment to pursue, that knowledge of the heart, that healing of our scars by his. So here i am, taking on leadership roles, that i'm not sure i'm ready for or qualified for. But that was another huge thing that the "preacher" kept on hammering at us- these kids don't need- they don't even want, trained professionals or people who are totally qualified. They want people who will listen. They want people who will love them nonjudgementally. they're looking for someone- anyone to care. the more leadership roles i take on the less time i have for my own time to be alone with God and digging into his word. But along with that, the more leadership roles i take on, the more committed i need to be in dedicating the word to my hearts and to making it cemented in my heart.
i think i'm going to need a lot of prayer. I care about these kids and i want to lead them in a way that will honor God. I need to learn to honor God in all things and make sure that he remains first in my life- even before these leadership roles. I need to make sure i don't get burned out.

God, this is hard, but i know you give me strength. I know that your joy is sufficient. God i need to you discipline my heart that i will put you first and foremost. there are SOO many things in my life that i could place before you, but i know you are the maker of everything, you give and take away, and if i seek you first in everything, you will give me anything and everything i need. God i love you and i love these kids. I want to be able to show your comfort in their pain. God i pray for those in pain. GOD WOULD THEY SEE YOU? God i know you pursue them, tug at their hearts and turn their faces towards you. God would you let those who feel ugly turn to you not in shame but in awe of your love for them and for their realization that You made them beautiful. God those who feel like no one would listen, tug at their hearts and let them know that you always listen, and God respond to their prayer to let them know that you are there. God for those who are in troublesome family relationships, God would they find comfort in a church family that cares SOO much about them and would never intentionally cause them pain and would they find that you as a father care about them and desperately WANT them. God for those who are numb or those who are in too much pain, would you keep them from cutting. GOd you alone bring life. you are the fount of LIVING water. These people that cut to live, God, would you show them that you give life and you give it so much more abundantly than they could imaging. would you fill them with a joy that would keep them going through the darkest valley's and the most painful experiences. and Father, for those who can't see the point of going on, for those people that feel like they are walking in a hole that is far too deep for them to come out, God they are desperate for your light. GOD, i'm broken for these people. I can't imagine that pain. i don't understand it, but father you do and you love them far too dearly to let them go. even if they don't feel your strong fingers wrapped aroung theirs, god, would you still hold tight to their hands. Would you let the bullet get stuck, would you let someone find them with the knnife, would you let there not be enough pills in the bottle to kill themselves. Would you give us more time as christians to seek them out and give them hope? God open our eyes as christians to a world that SO DESPERATELY NEEDS YOU. you are love and we NEED your love. God in all of the different painful circumstances above and even other painful things others are going through, before they cut too deep, before they get too skinny to live, before they work up the courage to kill themselves, let our eyes be openned to their pain and let them be filled with people who care about them and people who care about showing you to them. GOd i love you and i thank you SOO much for sparing me from this level of pain. God would you open my eyes and give me courage to fight for these people, even if they don't want to fight for themselves. Let me love them as unconditionally as you would love them and God let me show comfort that you give. God just as i'm asking you to open my eyes to their pain, would you open their eyes to the joy and fulfillment i've found in you.
God, would you send us the kids that other youth groups don't want? And prepares our hearts for these kids. let us find strength in you and in each other and let us be bold in finding a way into the hearts of the kids that other's don't want.
God i pray that i would remain discipline. I can't teach something unless i've been there, so God keep my heart striving to dedicate your words to my heart. Let me be a blessing to those around me and let me convicted when i'm not spending time with you. God encourage me with your poetry and your love story. I love you and i want to spend time with you. your my best friend and you deserve my time. I know you want my time. i love you.