I woke up and i feel like some weight has been lifted. Part of me still feels ugly and ashamed though. God thank you for letting me see how painful sin is to you. I don't want to hurt you again but i know my actions and thoughts will continue to disgrace me and hurt you. God you said you sent Jesus as a light into a dark world. My heart is full of darkness but i know if you enter no darkness can escape your reaches. I want to be able to shine for you. But always remind me of the physical pain of the cross and the emotional pain you suffered and even know suffer. God if a small glimpse of the heaviness of my own sin is so painful to me, I am in awe that you could take on the sin of the world. wasn't it too heavy to even lift? How did one man take it on? you didn't even have your father to lift some of the burden or to comfort you. your father turned away and you were alone to hold this burden . I am just one and i can't handle my own sin. you took on millions of people's sin. HOW?
Oh, that i could change my spots, God. Oh that i could do good and not evil. Oh that i could live as Jesus did- perfect and blameless and beautiful. Make me beautiful.
I wish i could have been there to carry the cross with you. To wipe the blood and spittle from your face. I wish i could have been there and taken a single whip for you. I wish i was there to comfort your mother.
But i know everything was as it was.
God open my eyes to my sin. If i still have clothes on , if i am hiding, show me what i'm hiding. tell me and let me take them off myself.
I'm broken before you. My back is weary and i'm faedown. I want to lift my head. God would you lift my head? tell me its okay and you understand and i'll believe you.