cutting

i know the title of this post might alarm some of you, so first of all, don't worry about me. i'm fine- i promise.

that being said, for some really strange reason its been on my mind alot. i don't know why. i don't know for sure, but for some reason it feels like God is trying to bring my attention to this for some particular reason, like he's preparing me for something.

We had to write a creative writiing assignment with a writing prompt and for some weird reason, i decided to write about it.

He wrote love on my arms
Today I looked in the mirror for the first time.
I traced every line on my face
And truly looked at the depth behind my eyes
I never wanted to look before
I never wanted to know how deep I could go.
I was never sad, that was never the purpose
The blood trickling down was not a sign of me wanting life to end
The scars that mapped my arms was never a sign of self-hatred
I just wanted to live
I wanted the freedom from melancholy it brought
I wanted the comfort of something in a nothing world.
It used to be pain.
I used to experience a pain that I never believed I could bear
I used to have to fight with myslef for my own life
I used to need to cut to numb the pain.
And then came the numbness
The pain was gone, but I wanted it back
I wanted the luxury the pain brought
It hurt more now that the hurt was gone
Because it took with it every other emotion
I dug deeper in my skin,
carving down to try to take the numbness from my very veins
I struggled by myself while others looked but never chose to see
They ignored the pain and they ignored the numbness
They ignored me
They joke as I walk through the halls
“emo” they whisper while knowing I can hear
They don’t understand what that word means.
They don’t understand the power behind the word emotionless.
I carved deeper
My arm was no longer a part of my body
It has no purpose other than for relieving the pain
I ran away one night.
I couldn’t be in my house
I couldn’t handle seeing his face with no trace of guilt
I don’t know why I ended up where I did staring up at the white building.
I don’t know why after all these years, this place has found me again.
Something calls me to walk through the door
I can’t stop my arm from pulling the door open
I can’t stop my steps as they walk down to the front of the room
I can’t stop my knees from giving out at I stare at it.
I can’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks as I stare at it.
I can’t stop my whole body from shaking as I stare at it.
I haven’t looked at it in years
Somehow undeniably, I understand
Feeling flushes into my veins, so much feeling that I can’t sort it out
Suddenly I feel something that I haven’t ever felt before:
Joy.
It spreads into a smile.
Each one of my stripes seems so pointless as I look up at it
As I trace my fingers over each one I realize that these were never meant to be my scars
I stare up at it
The cross stands, beautiful, powerful, comforting.
I cry through tears as I finally understand.
Something calls me to a bible.
Its already sitting open and something inside tells me I need to read it
More desperately than I’ve ever needed anything, I need to read it
More than I’ve ever needed the feeling of the blade, I need to read it.
The words trickle into my skin.
They flow in my veins
They kiss every one of my tears
They kiss every one of my scars
“He was despised and rejected-
A man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
We turned our backs on him and looked the other way.
He was despised, and we did not care.
Yet it was our weakness he carried;
It was our sorrows that weighed him down.
And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God,
A punishment for him own sins!
But he was piered for our rebellion,
Crushed for our sins.
He was beaten so we could be whole
He was whipped so we could be healed.”
I look down and see my scars vanish.
My arms are made perfect again
Instead, where one of my deepest cuts once was
I see one word, Love
I am loved and suddenly I know what it feels like to be loved
So today, when I look at my face in the mirror
I see something new.
I see that I have worth.
I see that someone died for me and it fills me.
I take the blades from all of their hiding spots
I take them to the feet of God
I surrender
Today, as I look at my face, I see a different person
I see a different depth behind my eyes
Today as I look at myself I realize that
Today I began finding myself.