Friday, December 19, 2008

starting to write again...

it's like dragging myself back into a habit that i know is good for me.

i think God created in my a need to write, and i've been greatly regretting not be diligent in it.
writing is my release, my way to make sense of my thoughts, and so the past few months have been building up in me- milllions of silly unaswered questions, millions of questions never asked. wanting and desiring to be real, but not knowing what "real" is exactly. falling down, and never processing how to get myself off the ground before continuing to travel, not even realizing that i'm dragging myself, instead of walking.

ignoring the questions that could shape me, the lessons i never gave myself time to answer. so many question that i don't even know how to ask. we live in a messed up world- are my eyes just now being opened to that? why now- why am i seeing this now- who is openning my eyes- god or the enemy? who's plan am i walking in right now, in this moment? am i justified in all that i do- or am i walking ever so slowly away from his path for me- so slow and subtly, that i would hardly notice except to see the trail of blood i'm leaving behind from the tiny cuts i've made along the way. why does it always come back to blood? so many questions. so many things i haven't asked, haven't said, putting on a smile and shaking it all off. i need to come back. so many prayers i'm scared to pray because it all seems so hopeless. i was once a child of faith and i saw miracles and answered prayer- why not now? why pray anyway- god is god- he already knows the future.

My world is filled with letters never sent,
words never spoken,
lips always sealed.
Who will i be when it's all over ?
perhaps i will be a mute…
in a different life.
Unhappy with silence,
But sealed within such silence.
Emotions are emotions- they don't recquire words to be so.
Who am I ?
I cry, i cry, i cry,
louder and louder, « who am I ? »
When will i know ?
Silent cries that recquire no breath.
Silence as usual.
Why ?
I don't even know.
Letters never sent,
words never spoken
Lips always sealed.

i hope that anyone reading this will not be offended by my seeming lack of questions- i hope that they will understand that these are questions that have been boiling inside me, waiting to come out. i have no question of the fact that God will answer these questions in his time- they are simply questions that i need to be honest in asking. i'm ready to come back father. but i need to hear your voice calling me back.

"Yet i hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from it's place." Rev. 2: 4-5
come back lampstand- i need your light in my life!

No comments: