Friday, April 20, 2012

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?

wow. this blog is ancient.

I feel so strange posting again. especially since, really, who blogs anymore? (I'm saying this both in earnest and in irony- because it seems as though my floor this year of Julian Hall and Lewis Hall have taken quite the liking to displaying their thoughts and feelings in the form of a journal-esque medium that is open to the world to see- which i am just now catching on in understanding why my dad had such an issue with describe my inner world to whoever wanted to traipse through the abyss of the internets to find the rare jewel that is my inner world...) so, that being said, perhaps my question has more to do with, really, who reads blogs anymore?

Also. why am I awake? This semester especially, I've formed this terrible habit of staying up until about 2 am every night. Partially done so I can keep company with my late night friends but partially also just out of my own lack of will to go to bed. which is stupid really- because how much will should it take to shut off your brain after a long day of thinking, reacting, problem-solving, studying, etc.? I think that subject has been at the fore of my brain recently- the idea of willpower and, moreover, choice. Mostly because this year I've made friends with an ASTOUNDING woman that inspires me in almost every way. She is so talented, deeply giving of herself, spiritually alive and awake, and capable of just about any feat. And as I've had the privilege to pry open her inner thoughts as she has shared herself more with me, I've been brought to life in my desire for more out of my life and out of my relationships. I am not like her. but at the same time I am. In so many ways I feel as though she is like an amplified version of myself. What I mean is that I possess many of the same thoughts and gifts and feelings as she does, but somehow, she's always seemed more in tune with making the most of these. She is tenacious about following and seeking out the tangents that her brain allows. She speaks of choice constantly with me- how each choice that we make has such a power to direct the course of our lives. She speaks impassioned and with integrity because of the obviously God-empowered discernment she holds in making decisions that have directed her life.

All of this has led me to simple questions. Questions that I don't have answers for at the present moment, but that I would love to explore with Jesus' direction.
1) Who do I want to be?
2) Am I who I want to be?
3) What would it look for me to become more of the person I want to be?

And is life more about the doing or simply the being? How does one change themselves? Is it a process that necessitates full submission to God, or does that engender passivity and an external locus of control that is damaging to one's recognition of being a motivated actor in their own lives? okay. start easily. first question first. But for now, sleep- let the answer to the first question be a post for a later date.

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